Arch Nemesis of Ashbet's has hit town....

Announcement over the uber super secret Super Hero/Spy radio frequency *Super Hero/Spy types be on the alert! Trailer-Park Bitch has been sighted in Washington DC. A surveillance detail has not yet been deployed. Last seen Ms. Bitch, as she is known to her friends and family, was reeking havoc in a local drug store. Keep in mind that this could mean a drug store havoc crime wave. Be on top priority alert and ready to move out at all times. That is all.*

Ashbet hearing this announcement since she has all the secret frequencies and pays the cable company plenty for them too, snarls at the mention of the name of the hated Trailer-Park Bitch."Vengeance will be mine over her some day. Yes, yes. It will. I must bide my time and wait for the perfect dunce to do my dirty work" *evil laughter* At this Ashbet's hair client looks at her with fear in her eyes. "Oh, um, I was rehearsing my lines for a play dear. Sorry. I just forgot you were in the room." Knowing Ashbet's rep for her eccentric but loveable nature and fearing that she would never get another appointment with the much sought after creator of cool hair, the client bought the story and went back to reading Cosmo. As for Ashbet the plan was already forming in her mind.

Meanwhile back at the mansion...

Agent Shhh hearing odd noises coming from the mansion's kitchen decides to investigate. He walks into the room to find Spectral Kitten attacking a jar of pickles with an alternating attack combo of can opener and kitchen knife whilst hissing and growling at the apparent pickle jar of vileness.

"Uh Spec honey, what ya doin'?"

"Stupid f*cking pickles. Have no consideration for anyone's feelings. Just pop your..*more hissing growls*...stupid lid already!"

"Spec, let me get that for you."

Pickle jar smashes to the floor and Spec leaves the kitchen growling and hissing. As she exits Shhh notices what appears to be a long streak of blood down her back. As Shhh goes to follow Spec, X intercepts.

"Let her go Shhh. She's very upset and needs to cool down."

" Wha...I mean...is that blood on her back? Does she need to see a doctor?"

"Some idiot save the fur activists threw paint all over her. She went to the mall to pick up a C.D. and forgot about the crowds for the holiday rush. It was more difficult for her to blend into the shadows with 50 million frenzied shoppers. Idiots. I took care of it. She doesn't know it yet but they will never throw paint on anyone ever again."

"Oh Honey! Don't keep a girl in suspense. What did you do?"

"I took a little holiday shopping trip of my own to purchase a CD. It was so chilly that I decided to wear my fox fur stole. The one that Mistress Ashbet created for me. You know the one. *mischievous grin* "

"You didn't! Not...."

"Oh yea baby."

Just then Agent Guinness' voice can be heard bellowing from 4 rooms away "X get your bad ass in here! Now!"

X, never responding to direct orders from anyone, proceeds to fix herself a drink. Guinness enters the room. "You did it. You made the 5 and 6 O'clock news. You do realize what you've done?!"

Shhh very slowly slinks from the room, yet remains in earshot not to miss any potentially good gossip.

"I didn't do anything wrong Guinness so just leave it alone."

"You've caused over $100,000.00 in property destruction and sent 4 civilians to the hospital!"

"So. I think the news is exaggerating some of that. Oh and did I mention they deserved every bit of it for what they did to Spec."

"You're right. The news report did exag..." Just then an alarm goes off. Guinness stops midsentence and announces "Cocktails! Everyone cocktails. Tonight we drink Manhattans! Oh and to sum up with you X, the super hero/spy council called. That was the sum of damage according to their accountants. They managed an elaborate cover your ass story with one condition."

"What's the condition?"

"Restitution. You have to get a job and pay restitution or...."

"A job! Screw that. I mean what could they do to me if..."

Guinness interrupts "you will no longer get an allowance. A salary yes but no dress account, no more custom-made bracelets, and no more boots."

"Uh, eeerr....when do I start?"

To be continued.....

Meanwhile in the trailer park...

a blonde headed trashy sort of woman is plotting a wave of crime that even the well meaning Super Brigade has never seen the likes of...

Meanwhile in the bedroom of Countess Van Spookymittens and Pantsless Man...

The Countess looks deeply, passionately into the eyes of her true love, Pantsless Man. As she is about to whisper the most seductive words Pantsless Man has ever heard, she is struck with a paralyzing psychic vision of a trashy blonde woman in a trailer park plotting a crime wave that the likes of has never been seen even by the well meaning Super Brigade.

"Uh, Countess honey? You alright? Honey. Aw poop. Not again!" Pantsless Man is forced to wait out the paralysis of his true love Countess Van Spookymittens. He turns his attention to the evening news.

3 Days after the incident at the mall...

Shhh and X are relaxing in the uber secret sun room with facials and cucumbers over their eyes.

Shhh: "So X what type of "job" is being required of you to do your penance for the council."

X: "Construction."

Shhh: "Construction of what?"

X: "I have to rebuild the section of the mall I destroyed. It's bogus. They deserved it. Spec has not been the same since the paint incident. So I destroyed a bit of the mall. It was just a tiny bit with crappy stores attached to it."

Shhh: "Yah, who shops at the gap these days. No one that should be seen in public that's who. *catty Shh noises*"

X: * laughs* "You are such a clothes whore Shhh. You'd shop any where as long as there were a sale!"

Shhh: "Oh honey. Fashion sense can not be bought."

X: "What is that supposed...?"

Just then a strange humming is heard coming from the uber secret TV room.

Shhh: "I wonder who that could be?"

X: "Probably just Spec. It's about time she came out of her room. She's been in there for days."

Shhh goes to investigate. He peeks around the doorway to see what appears to be Spec dancing around with a dust rag in her hand, naked, humming the Hamtaro tune. Just then X slinks up behind him and begins giggling at the sight.

X: "What the hell is she doing?"

Shhh: " I feel like a voyeur. We should let her know we're here."

Just then Guinness comes walking through with a vodka martini in one hand and a remote in the other. He is wearing a navy blue pin stripe suit, a fedora and fluffy bedroom slippers.

Guin "Bloody hell! I've missed 10 minutes of the Sinatra documentary already."

Shh and X: "Wait" Both attempt to stop Guinness but he's a man on a mission.

Guinness' face turns beat red and he begins choking on his vodka martini as he walks in on Spec's dance.

Spec: *startled* "What's wrong? Are you choking? *yelling* Hey guys! Help I think Guin is choking!"

X and Shhh enter. They both look a bit uncomfortable and ignore Guin.

Shhh: Uh Spec honey, what ya doing?"

Spec: "Cleaning! Mistress Ashbet was right. Cleaning naked is so relaxing!"

X begins laughing hysterically at the looks on Guin and Shhh's faces and leaves the room. Guinness, finally finding his composure, speaks up.

Guin: *confused* "Mistress Ashbet told you to clean naked?"

Spec: "I guess I should explain. I was so upset about the paint and I couldn't get it out of my fur. I went to Mistress Ashbet for help. She cleaned me up and I was still so distraught at how those idiots had treated me that much to my embarrassment, I began crying. She closed the shop and we played dress up in all her fab costumes while we had some girl to girl talk. When Mistress Ashbet is stressed she cleans naked. She suggested I do the same. I explained that I live with all of you and that wasn't practical so she made this uber cool bikini for me to clean in. See it changes color to match my fur purrrfectly! I'm not really naked but I look and feel like I am! Ashbet is such the genius! She said to be proud of who I am and to not let those narrow minded fools bother me."

Guin and Shhh stare blankly at Spec.

Guin: Did you tell Ashbet that you live here with the Brigade or friends?

Spec: "Well I was upset and I, well, I think I said with friends."

Guin: "Bloody hell. I think we may have a security breach."

Just then Flightless enters still dressed in her uber secret surveillance gear. Noticing an apparently naked Spec, an angry looking Guin and a shocked green faced Shhh she decides to not comment. Some things are better left for later questioning.

Flightless: "Guys, I think we have a problem."

Enter Agent Telie 13....

When we last peeked in on our uber cool Super Hero Spy Brigade, Agent Flightless walked in on a seemingly naked Spec who appeared to be cleaning, a confused Guinness, a green-faced speechless Shhh, and a likewise green-faced Agent X laughing hysterically. Agent Flightless announced that they had a "problem." Let's see what has transpired since our last visit?

1 a.m. in the uber-secret TV room

Shhh is awoken by what he can best identify to be loud crooning. Wearing only panties and a baggie T-shirt, and being in a very cranky state of mind as his beauty sleep was interrupted, he goes to investigate.

He encounters a naked Guinness standing a top the coffee table singing "I Did It My Way." Guinness has a bottle of vodka in one hand and a bright orange feather duster in the other.

Shhh begins sneezing from all the dust being waved through the air by Guinness' very animated, overzealous hand motions. The sneeze startles Guinness, in turn losing his balance. As Guinness throttles toward the floor at a velocity that only a drunk person can achieve in such a short distance, Shhh catches Guinness in his arms.

At this very moment, Agent Telie13 (13 for short) flips on the light switch as she enters the room. She has just arrived home from her mission to Venezuela. She is dressed in a conservative travel outfit consisting of a chocolate brown suede mini with matching leather top and matching knee-high boots. Her hair, of course, is in ponytails and is a very sensible travel color of golden amberish blonde. 13 is stunningly fabulous!

13: "What the flying monkey hell is?? Oh, never mind. It was a long, hot, smelly, alcohol-free flight. If you two want to have sex, just take it into someone's room, please."

13 exits.

Things aren't always what they seem...

Our favorite band of superhero spies are convened in the uber-top-secret meeting room high atop the uber-top-secret mansion. 13 is missing from the table. Guinness is wearing a pinstripe bathrobe, an ascot, and black fuzzy slippers, with an icepack resting on his forehead. The rest of our brigade is dressed and ready to go on assignment.

Flightless: "Guinness has given me the go to fill everyone in on our latest threat. First, let me fill you in on 13. She has returned from her mission with little ops information, partly because she spent too much time playing with her new hair extensions but, um.... also it seems we may have a security leak. Her identity came very close to being compromised. Pantsless Man somehow found out that a spy was at the convention. He and the Countess were on high alert (and the Countess was in high fashion mode too! According to 13, the uranium-powered corsetry is no myth!)... So anyway, expect lie-detector tests to be administered within the next 24 hours. Questions?"

X: "If I find out that any of you are putting us in jeopardy, I will personally kick your ass! 13 could have been assassinated!"

Shhh, Guinness and Spec all try to speak at once.

Flightless: "Tell yer story walking! We'll know when the tests come back. Keep in mind that 13 will be recouping from her mission cough! sleeping! for approximately 3 days. She will not be joining us for this briefing. I would appreciate it if Shhh would take responsibility for bringing her up to speed once she has regained consciousness. We are all well aware of how draining 13's abilities are when used over extended periods of time. We should try to keep the noise around here to a minimum while she sleeps.

"Now down to business."

Back in the Uber Secret Meeting Room, Flightless gives the ops info.

Flightless: "OK, where's the coffee? Sheesh, do I have to do everything around here? How does anyone expect me to run this meeting without my shade-grown Peruvian city blend?"

Five minutes later...

Flightless: "It has come to my attention that an unknown villain or villainess is attempting to form a villains' brigade. While tapping the phone lines of Trailer Park Bitch, I intercepted the following message."

(Turns on uber-small tape recorder)

A computerized voice is heard on the tape. It is mechanically asexual.

Friends, colleagues and adversaries, I have returned. It is time for us to put aside our quarrels and vendettas. We must unite to fight the force of the accursed Uber Secret Super Hero Spy Brigade. They are constantly ruining our mischievous fun and spoiling our evil plans. We can not put up with this any more! None of us can be successful while they thrive. Time and place of our meeting will be sent to you by an unsuspecting courier. Look for the white rose.

(Turns off uber small tape recorder.)

X: "F#ck me."

Shhh: "You mean f#ck us?!"

Spec: "Shit."

Guinness: Snoring and drooling "Ladies, there's enough of meee..to" more snoring.

Shhh begins to wake Guinness. All are staring at him.

Flightless: "Don't wake him. He's aware. And apparently very stressed out. Finances and the big bosses are getting to him."

Shhh: "What are our assignments?"

X: "Yeah, let's kick some villainous ass." *Pounds fists on table creating small cracks in the table top that spider out from the impact* "Oops."

Spec: "We need a plan of some sort, right?" *Looks around at everyone. Then back at Flightless for an answer.*

Flightless: "I've been working on a surveillance mission that will not draw attention to us even if we are being watched. Hey, is there more coffee?"

Spec: "Watched? But who knows...where...we live? Crap! Mistress Ashbet and it's all my fault!!! But it can't be her. We all love her!"

Flightless: "We don't believe it's her. Ashbet has never been incriminated. Her record is squeaky clean. And she has the prettiest eyes... sigh... Um, however, it could well be one of her customers. For all we know, her shop is under constant surveillance."

Shhh: "If I were a villain I would bug her shop."

Spec: "Oh, that makes sense."

X: "So what do we do? We can't just sit here." X begins to rise from her seat.

Shhh: (puts arm in front of X motioning her to sit down) "Calm down Honey. Flightless mentioned a plan. Go ahead, Flightless."

Flightless: "OK, here is how I see it..."

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